I absolutely love the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). My husband got me into it - we even got engaged at a UFC Event in Toronto (Max Holloway vs. Anthony Pettis to be exact. for those of you who are fans).  When we first started dating, he would have the fights on in the background and I dismissed it for a couple weeks.

But, as I watched these fighters tell their stories of adversity and triumph, and saw their athletic commitment and dedication - I fell in love with the sport - the vulnerability of standing barefoot in the octagon, bleeding and pressing forward. The preparation, the skill, the power, the willingness to lose - the emotional triumph of a win. It hooked me. Some of them had lost children, grew up in poverty, were working full-time jobs and still fighting. 

Athletics in general are an amazing metaphor for overcoming adversity and trauma.
They show us that against all odds - we can win. And, if we lose, we can still say we put it all on the line....

Narcissistic Shame Off-Loading

Growing up with a narcissistic parent is a scary, difficult experience.  Narcissists suffer from a deep wound of shame. Some say the narcissistic wound is the DEEPEST wound. The shame is so severe that the system creates a construct to protect the individual from collapsing under the weight of this toxic shame. This construct includes ego-protection and delusion, it also includes projection. Projection is the off-loading of a negative affect (emotion) onto another individual.

An example of this is the narcissist who is irresponsible, selfish and unable to connect with their child. This individual cannot attach and be there for the child because their narcissism prevents them from SEEING someone else. The narcissist is dissociated from their own body and self. And thus, is unable to form a connection with their baby. On deep, dissociated levels, the truth is known. However, this truth cannot be negotiated with or faced by the narcissist’s...

When our bodies are balanced and we feel safe and happy, we are in a state of “regulation”.  In this place, we are not too stressed, nor are we too excited or exhausted. We are calm. We are clear. We have focus. We are creative. We are able to communicate rationally and clearly and openly.

BUT, when we experience trauma this sense of safety and balance is completely ripped away from us. It’s almost as though our soul is taken from us and what is left is only a shell.

This trauma is deeper when you’ve lived your whole life being abused and neglected by your primary caregivers. You may feel completely devoid of a sense of self – your brain has developed under chronic stress which causes your body to look out only for your survival.

Our bodies have two distinct reactions to traumatic experiences.   We can be be maxed out – unglued emotionally and physically – this looks like panic, toxic stress, anxiety and physical...

Healing the Past After the Pain of Childhood Trauma

Since the past isn’t here now, how is it that I am keeping it alive?
-Adyashanti

The past is powerful.

For those who cannot think of the past without remembering the pain of trauma, it can be all encompassing.
Are we drowning in fear?
Is the inner critic causing crippling anxiety?
Are we weighed down by the heavy blanket of depression?

If so, how can we breathe into the present? How can we begin the process of shedding the weights of the past?

In my own life, trauma has been a defining force. I spent years trying to encase my pain in guarded walls. This encasement caused depression, rage, anxiety, toxic shame, lack of focus, and difficulties connecting with others. I carried my wounds from my past into my daily life without even knowing it. I kept my past alive through the lies I told myself about why the past happened. “If I only I was a smarter child,” “If only I was skinnier,” “If only I...

Change is hard. It’s f*king hard. It hurts. Kicking all your rocks uphill. Breaking the cement of your hard-wired broken brain. We don’t particularly like to think about changing either. We want to be accepted for who we are. We want to be loved as we are. And there’s something very important about that, about being content with yourself at your essence.

But, as with everything in life, things are not so black and white. The eternal paradox exists in the background. In the ying and yang of it all, we notice that we can and must love ourselves at our essence. And, yet still we can be longing for continued growth. After all, we evolved through forward motion. And, naturally, we desire forward motion in our own inner-worlds as well.

Even the most broken of us. The most self-sabotaging among us still long, deep inside for change.  Still strive for it, even if many futile attempts have failed.

So, what makes it so gut-wrenchingly and painfully hard to change?
...